"I"- The Self, aham

   What is this "I", the Self, 'aham' (Samsk.) that everybody says, 'i' did  this', i did that, i think', etc.? Where is this 'I'? Rudra (See Rudra Shatiyam) Who is this 'i'? Can we not stop using this 'i' in everyday life? Try to avoid using this 'i' at least for one day and see what happens? Rk Veda describes this 'I' as Rudra.

  This 'I' is an English term and there are two- one cap. 'I' and the other small font 'i'. They, who use English, refer to 'I' as the Self and the 'i' for self? But, there is no such thing in Samskruta bhasha. Here, it is 'aham'. The term 'aham' (Samsk.) is totality, everything that we c an say in sound, syllables, words, phrases, and sentences! It is the entire bunch of alphabets (akshara maala), starting from the first syllable `a' to the last syllable 'ha', joined by 'm' (a ha m). The Divine Mother Lakshmi says, 'I' am matrika. The 'Garland of Letters' (mAtrika mAlini), alphabets or syllables, letters, words, phrases and sentences- what all they stand for! I am the embodiment of akshara (akshara brahma). It('I') is the Self (Atman) of all! In Bhagavad-Gita Shree Krishna also says I am that, ('soham'). I only exist. In Rk Veda Samhita, Mandala VII we find Rudra Shatiya that explains in detail everything about this 'I'. 'I' stands for the Atman. Rudra Deva says, "I am the bheshaja (dhanvantari /  Physician)  who maintains the health of all jivas. It is this Rudra Deva (Shiva) who says 'I'. I is existence in reality; there is no existence, astittva, for anybody without this aham ('I')..

   Therefore, 'I' stands for the Atman and stands for the real existence of the jiva. Since Lord Vishnu pervades the universe as the all-pervasive pure Consciousness,He / It assumes the formless 'I'. Sant Tukaram has beautifully described this in his abhang- anoraneeya thokada... It is an ion, micron or thokada of the 'bruhat', brahman, the vast (Akasha). Now we know what is this 'I' and who is this 'i'.

   The most beautiful aspect of this 'I' is that it does not exist! It is just an expression of that which does not exist. 'I' does not exist; therefore, 'I do not exist'. We have seen that the Lord says, I only exist and now He, the Lord says "I do not exist'. For all practical purposes, 'nothing exists, and everything is an illusion, a snake imposed on a rope (sarpa-rajju bhrama) and the consequent fear. This point is made clear in the following:

  When we go to sleep, the first thing that happens is the withdrawal of the senses; gradually, we stop hearing the 'tick,tick sound of the wall clock. Then the heart-beat is heard and that also stops in a while. When we go to deep sleep, nothing exists, not even this 'I' which runs the physical  system of the body- such as the function of heart, lungs, digestion, etc. The consciousness only exists along with prana (usiru/ life breath) and nothing else (the material wealth, the family, the possessions, etc)! Where have all these gone. No body is aware of this secret where this 'i', the self, disappears in deep sleep. If i  do not know where i disappear who else knows? It is thus the very purpose of life is to discover this 'i'. and that 'I', who is real and who is not real.

  All the great sages have discovered this 'I' and the difference between the 'i' and the 'I'.

This is how we can discover the truth. Every night i used to keep some milk for morning Tea and when i get up and look for the milk, the vessel used to be empty. There was no sign of how the milk disappeared.Then i decided to find out what happened when i was asleep. I discovered that a black cat was sneaking in the dark through the window and drink the milk. So, also, the Senses, the mind, the buddhi, ego (ahankaar) called  'i' disappear into the 'I', the Atman who is resting with paramatman in my deep sleep. Thus, the supreme Lord only exists and nothing else exist!

  Both the statements- I only exist and nothing exists, as well as I do not exist, are correct. The supreme Lord says "I, the Self of all, (Atman) am the Formless (nirakara), eternal (nitya), always existing (nirantara), eternal Truth (satya), the Higher Self of all (parabrahman). No body can ever know Me since I am not something to be known. I am the Self of all. What all one searches is Him Self/ her Self. One can find it if it is something 'other'. Since it is not 'the other', nobody can find this. The beauty is that even this 'i' disappears! Whatever does not exist is not real. So what is that we are babbling every now and then as "I did this, i did that?"  
   The day one discovers who this 'I' seated in us is, he / she declares - So, I Am, "so'ham, Shivoham, Then, there is exists nothing!